Ion Trap Quantum Computing Group
Clarendon Laboratory,
Parks Road,
Oxford OX1 3PU.
Fun
For ion strings and other images, see
.
A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it.
An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.
-- Albert Einstein
Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
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| A moment of inertia |
Two Bosons walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.'
Qu: What is a tachyon?
Ans: A gluon that is not completely dry.
"Physicists have a knack for jumping into mathematical cesspools and coming out smelling like a rose"
"Warning - Stay away from cable. 18,000 ohms."
Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over
by a policeman. The policeman asked,
"Do you know how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
Mrs. Schroedinger to Mr. Schroedinger: What have you been doing with the cat? It looks half dead!
The triple point of water. The temperature of the triple point of water
is 273.16 K. According to the Diraque theory, this is given by
T = 2/α - 1 = 273.072, where α is the fine structure constant.
There is a small error, which can be accounted for
in the full theory (quantum electro-thermodynamics), producing the expression
(accurate to a part per billion):
T = 2(1+6α2 + 496 α4
+ O(α6))/α - 1.
Exam question/answer: 
Two television aerials met on a roof, fell in love got married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Politician on a visit to LEP.
Physicist: "Positrons orbit in one direction, electrons in the other. In the collision,
energy is liberated. This can create new particles such as the Z particle,
a marvellous piece of the jigsaw puzzle of fundamental physics. It was predicted to
exist with properties established by the Nobel-prize winning work of
't Hooft and Veltman, and one of the triumphs of LEP has been to create it in
large numbers and measure its properties precisely."
Politician: "What was that again, the bit about positions and elections?"
Numerology
Fine structure constant:
α-2 = 48 x 23081/59 + 3 π / 5 4/3 (Try it!)
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other,
"I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
SUBATOMIC PARTICLE SALE Electrons: $0.10 Protons : $0.15 Neutrons : free of charge
The following set we took from physlink.com, with minor tweaks:
A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car, circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.
After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.
Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'
After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
Engineer, physicist and mathematician:
An engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner. He takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
A physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner. He takes the bucket of water and pours it elegantly around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
A mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner. He convinces himself there is a solution and leaves. (credit: Jeremiah Jazdzewski)
One day,
a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and
computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it
broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think
it's not getting enough gas."
The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's
wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get
back in."
Feynman and the manhole covers (I stole this one off a web site called "science jokes". I don't know if it originates there but I love it. It helps if you have read the Feynman story of the draft board interview. AMS)
Feynman applies for a job at Microsoft.
Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative
thinking ability. Don't think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and
describe your reasoning process.
Here's the question: Why are manhole covers round?
Feynman: They're not. Some manhole covers are square. It's true that there are SOME round ones, but
I've seen square ones, and rectangular ones.
Interviewer: But just considering the round ones, why are they round?
Feynman: If we are just considering the round ones, then they are round by definition. That
statement is a tautology.
Interviewer: I mean, why are there round ones at all? Is there some particular value to having round ones?
Feynman: Yes. Round covers are used when the hole they are covering up is also round.
It's simplest to cover a round hole with a round cover.
Interviewer: Can you think of a property of round covers that gives them an advantage over square ones?
Feynman: We have to look at what is under the cover to answer that question. The
hole below the cover is round because a cylinder is the strongest shape against the compression
of the earth around it. Also, the term "manhole" implies a passage big enough for a man, and
a human being climbing down a ladder is roughly circular in cross-section. So a cylindrical
pipe is the natural shape for manholes. The covers are simply the shape needed to cover up a
cylinder.
Interviewer: Do you believe there is a safety issue? I mean, couldn't square covers fall into the
hole and hurt someone?
Feynman: Not likely. Square covers are sometimes used on prefabricated vaults where the
access passage is also square. The cover is larger than the passage, and sits on a ledge that
supports it along the entire perimeter. The covers are usually made of solid metal and are very
heavy. Let's assume a two-foot square opening and a ledge width of 1-1/2 inches. In order to get
it to fall in, you would have to lift one side of the cover, then rotate it 30 degrees so that the
cover would clear the ledge, and then tilt the cover up nearly 45 degrees from horizontal before the
center of gravity would shift enough for it to fall in. Yes, it's possible, but very unlikely. The
people authorized to open manhole covers could easily be trained to do it safely. Applying common
engineering sense, the shape of a manhole cover is entirely determined by the shape of the opening
it is intended to cover.
Interviewer (troubled): Excuse me a moment; I have to discuss something with my management team.
(Leaves room.) (Interviewer returns after 10 minutes)
Interviewer: We are going to recommend you for immediate hiring into the marketing department.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aristotle: It is in the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Copernicus: The earth and the chicken were orbiting the sun at very slightly different rates.
Galileo: In order to avoid being crushed by an object falling there from a tower.
Newton: With no forces acting on it, the chicken will always proceed in a straight line at constant
speed.
Einstein: The question is ill-posed. It should be, "why is there relative motion
of chicken and road?" The answer is "why not?"
Schrodinger: Because its chickenfunction evolved over there.
Heisenberg: It stayed still, but the operator provided a crossing.
Dirac: It fell into a vast sea of negative-energy chickens on one side, promoting an identical
chicken out of the sea on the other side.
Pauli: There was already another chicken on this side of the road.
Feynman: I don't know, but given that it starts at one side, I can tell you
the chance that it will end up on the other, after wandering too and fro all over the road,
somehow avoiding oncoming vehicles.
Les Houches, 2000. A quantum physicist is perplexed by a cat
which seems to be both dead and alive.
And here is a "cat" ...
For an explanation, see News.
Movie of quantum jumps.
Product warnings and advertisements. We have become aware of some possibly harmful effects of common consumer goods. As good citizens we offer some warning labels to alert buyers to the problem.
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: all our products avoid the explosive effects of matter/antimatter mixtures
This is an old joke, but we still like it:
An experimentalist comes running excitedly into a theorist's office,
waving a plot of data just taken in the lab, and shouting "A is greater than B!"
"Of course," says the theorist, "It is obvious that A is greater than B. Here is why ..."
After a minute, the experimentalist says,
"Oops, did I say A greater than B? Sorry, I meant, B is greater than A."
"Oh," says the theorist, "Well that is even more obvious. In fact it is an elementary problem, let
me show you ..."
Adapted from Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others, except to relieve the boredom of a slow day.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up bunches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down his pain receptors, on through his body and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
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| Cutting the field lines |
Two Anglo-Saxon fragments
A wise man may grasp how ghastly it shall be
When all this world's wealth standeth waste
Even as now, in many places over the earth,
Walls stand wind beaten,
Heavy with hoar frost; ruined-habitations...
The maker of men has so marred this dwelling
That human laughter is not heard about it
And idle stand these old giant works.
There once many a man
Mood-glad, gold bright, of gleams garnished
Flushed with wine-pride, flashing war-gear,
Gazed on wrought gemstones, on gold, on silver,
On wealth held and hoarded, on light-filled amber.
See also: Newton's cannon,